I was 40 before I started to understand the importance of validation. Validating ourselves and others is one of our most important superpowers and how invalidating someone, even by accident is the quickest way to make an enemy. At the core of every social interaction are humans beings seeking and giving validation, from our family members, to friends careers and our celebrity obsession is all about finding validation wherever we can.
Don't meet your heroes is such a powerful idea because if
you meet your version of a celebrity, someone who you feel
validates you and in person they don’t, or do the opposite,
it can feel many times worse than getting the same dismissal
from someone you don’t idolize.
You’ve probably met people with magnetic personalities, been
drawn to someone at a party, those who are usually the
center of attention. Their common secret weapon is
validation. Feeling validated is, more often than not,
central to every positive interaction you’ve ever had. Being
excited and then wrong is often ten times worse because of
the feelings of invalidation and violation that come from
boundaries you thought were safe being broken. Physical,
emotional, platonic, business — every type of relationship
we have is grounded in how we validate each other.
In the best and strongest relationships, validation happens
automatically as we see ourselves mirrored in the other
person, maybe even better. Celebrities are often seen as
better versions of ourselves. We look up to them so we might
become them. Validation is at the heart of affirmative
action: what it means to see people like you in positions of
power, and how important that is for advancement.
The dark arts of validation can be seen in high-stakes
negotiations, business dealings, and the seedy world of
pickup artistry. These tactics use psychological tricks to
manipulate targets. The so-called “neg” sets someone up as a
source of potential validation, then withholds it and like
clockwork, we find ourselves seeking validation from them
even more.
Every human relationship is about validation, either
receiving or giving it and in the best ones we do both
regularly. It’s Validation All the Way Down aims to explore
how validation is at the heart of every relationship.
Students and teachers are an easy example, but in
friendships and romantic connections, we want to be with
people who make us feel worthy. Professionally, we look for
jobs that are a good fit where we’re appreciated. I argue
that every case of celebrity is based on people raising up
an individual they feel represents the best version of
themselves through extreme validation. False validation can
have its downsides, but for the most part, everyone benefits
if we regularly learn to better validate ourselves and those
around us.
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